Becoming Modern by Birgitte Søland

Author:Birgitte Søland [Søland, Birgitte]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Social Science, Women's Studies
ISBN: 9781400839278
Google: UU0gEAAAQBAJ
Publisher: Princeton University Press
Published: 2021-05-11T04:35:51+00:00

Fig. 21. While romance and intimacy eluded many young wives, at least a minority succeeded in translating their marital expectations into reality. Kaia Breslau, kissing her husband in the couple’s backyard in 1926, was apparently among them. (Courtesy of the Danish Women’s Photo Archives)

For women who had hoped to be part of a affectionate and emotionally expressive relationship, the absence of romance and passion, for example, was a critical issue. “My husband is seldom kind and never loving anymore,” one twenty-eight-year-old wife lamented in 1925. “Even our wedding anniversary has apparently been erased from his memory, and it would never occur to him to bring home flowers.”70 The way husbands seemed to abandon all interest in their own physical appearance also irked many wives. “Before we were married he was always well-groomed, lively, and considerate, but now he always comes home weary and exhausted, barely willing to wash up before dinner,” one woman complained.71 “Even during the Christmas holidays he never washed, shaved, or put on nice clothes,” another wife disapprovingly wrote, “and when I ask him, he tells me that there is really no need [to do that], and if he can’t even relax in his own home, where can he relax then? Besides, he claims that a man should not be judged on his exterior. Nevertheless, his untidiness bothers me, and I find him rather unappealing when unshaven and in slippers.”72 In striking contrast to the stern lectures they gave women who let their appearances slide, advice columnists tended to side with husbands on this issue, but that did not prevent “The modern Eve” from concluding that “the husband, the typical Danish husband . . . with his big, round stomach, sloping shoulders, unfortunate looking mustache and his thin hair . . . bears little resemblance to the prince of our dreams.”73

In addition, many women complained that their attentive and charming suitors unfortunately turned into petty, dour, discourteous mates much too quickly after the wedding. “When we were engaged, he was cheerful and kind, obliging and generous,” “Ragnhild” recalled after a few years of marriage. “Now he is taciturn and sullen.”74 Another wife angrily complained about the discrepancy between her husband’s public and private behaviors. “When we go out, other women will tell me what a wonderful and charming husband I have,” she fumed. “If they saw him at home, they would certainly change their minds. [He is] sour and temperamental .. . and rages over the smallest, most insignificant things.”75

Besides unkempt appearances and moodiness, wives frequently complained about their husbands’ unwillingness or inability to communicate.76 After courtships during which intimate conversations had fueled mutual love and adoration and confirmed young women in their choice of a mate, wives resented when husbands stopped confiding in them and receded into scarce utterances or silence. “The wonderful conversations we used to have . . . have been reduced to a few words muttered between mouthfuls of dinner,” noted one disappointed wife after a few years of marriage.77 “When I ask him questions, he barely answers me,” another frustrated wife wrote.

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